BREAKING NEWS: Great "Classic" Conspiracy REVEALED

  “As of Tuesday, January 15th, deadly secrets concerning the novels categorized as ‘classics’ have been exposed,” writes literary nerd E. G. Runyan from her living room. “It has been revealed to the public that there has been a conspiracy against us concerning the classic stories we all know. Or do we know them?

“This Reporter’s contacts notified the public mere hours ago that a top-secret society called The Classics Contrived have long been terrorizing readers everywhere and seeking to destroy all love of classic stories in our modern day world. This was affirmed by the characters of these classic stories, desperate to finally have their long-ignored voices heard.

“Here’s my ace,” Sydney Carton told your reporter, taking a gulp from his wine-bottle (he had not yet had his redemption arc). “Members of the Classics Contrived Society work to make us appear as unattractive as possible by creating…” he stopped mid sentence. 

“Creating?” I prompted. 

Carton only shook his head and refused to speak more on the subject.

It was only when this reporter interviewed the bubbly Anne Shirley (one of the least persecuted classic literary figures) that the truth came out.

“They create Classic STIGMA!” Anne gasped. “Isn’t that the most awful, horrendous thing you’ve ever heard???”

Your Reporter discovered that Classic Stigma is the practice of giving classic novels horrible covers and by creating a culture of hatred surrounding them.

“I’ve never been able to get my students to love Shakespeare because of The Classics Contrived Society,” wept a college Shakespearan professor, running his fingers lovingly over his dusty tomes. “They won’t look past the cheesy Romeo & Juliet covers!”

When interviewing young middle-school student Johnny James, the extent of the Society’s reach began to become apparent. 

“I saw my school librarian cackling maniacally while stuffing dusty copies of War & Peace and Great Expectations into the darkest, creepiest corner of the library,” Johnny said, shivering and clutching his copy of Alcatraz VS the Evil Librarians to his chest. “I always knew Alactraz was right about librarians being evil!”

Perhaps Alcatraz Smedry’s eye-opening autobiographies do deserve more attention than they have gotten. Yet still, perhaps the worst of all the Society’s cruel feats, is how they are able to erase books from memory altogether. In a recent survey asking fantasy readers whether they’d ever heard of George MacDonald, known as “The Innovator of Modern Fantasy” it became shockingly apparent that most 21st Century readers have no idea who he is. 

“I don’t know what to do about this,” Lord Literary, president of All Old Books was quoted saying from his office in London. “Modern day readers don’t care to read anything that challenges them. They fill their minds with worthless fluff.”

Among the terrors of the Society’s doings, it seems as though only one small rebellion has been fighting against them. This rebellion was led by Barnes & Noble Bookstores and their faithful re-publication and re-illustrating of classic novels. 

“I couldn’t help but buy the B&N re-illustrated The Wind and the Willows!” One customer told your reporter as they browsed the classic section. “It’s now my favorite book!”

As measures are taken to discover more about The Classics Contrived Society, literary experts are encouraging modern day readers to take a stand and finally read the classic novels that they’ve heard of all their lives.

“You may have read summaries of us to pass your college English classes,” said Oliver Twist, twirling his hat with his deft fingers. “But under all the complicated writing, there truly is a good story waiting beneath the long descriptions of trees.” He glanced at the Fellowship of the Ring which happened to be plodding by. “Really, there is.”

Perhaps it’s true. During these disturbing revelations, this reporter urges you to keep tabs on the classic books around you. Maybe you should even dare to pick one up. Underneath that ugly cover, there may just be a great story.

Now excuse me while I go read Ivanhoe.

-Written by E. G. Runyan

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